3 months

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3 months has passed... we used to segment our lives over the threes/quarters. We planned based on what the beginning and end of a quarter would look like. What holidays, dates, CE (continuing education), extracurriculars, school projects, etc would be relevant or even prevalent. We'd lament that time flew by too quickly and/or that we didn't want the next wave of quarterly chaos to begin yet.

Only this 3 months wasn't a quarter. It simply staggered q4 and q1. It was the longest 3 months of our lives. I used to count the days we'd been together.  I'd include it in cards for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. The number was always so significant.  It felt so big and held such value. When I'd write it, I'd think about how big the number was but how short of a journey it had been. His card on our anniversary said 6,940. There were only 4 days after that. We spent 6,944 days as a couple... as us. So why the last 99 days feels far greater than the 6,944... I'll never know. 

We've had some highs and very low lows but we are doing our best.  We've been very fortunate to have some amazing folks in our corner.  That doesn't take the pain away but it does bring some light to our darkness. 

3 months... to be continued (soon). The app is giving me issues. Back tomorrow.  -S

Tomorrow = many days later? I'm not even sure how many days. That's how my life works now! Despite keeping a much structure as we can,  the days all run together. 

If you were part of Johnny's/Corey's quarterly reviews, calls, etc you'd hear something like this... "Jude the Dude is wrapping up this quarter strong. He just finished his project on President Obama and he's feverishly counting down the days to Spring Break. Not only will he be turning 11 soon but he is set to get his First Degree Black Belt." He always gave these little recaps about Judah. He was always so proud to give the updates and be part of each of the aspects. He truly was a proud Dad. He didn't just talk about the moments, he was present for them all. 
Judah did a fantastic job for his Black History project. He nailed Obama's famous tan suit look and all. He had to wear this suit far longer than he wanted and boy did he give it hell! They took a little break for recess. Oh my. I LAUGHED and went straight back to 1988. He reminded me of Richard Pryor's Saab after Dana Carvey had his way with it. Obscure reference ✔️  Someone has to toss this at you know that my husband can't! 
I wish I could say all things have been wonderful for Judah. Unfortunately,  I can't. As if losing his Dad wasn't a big enough obstacle, he was also without his Daytrana for 2.5 months. Daytrana is the only ADHD med that's been effective for him because of his body processes. The manufacturer, Noven, gave no warning.  We simply couldn't get it. As you can imagine, he's had quite a rough start to the year. Last week, we were able to get a generic version.  It's not as effective, because,  well, it doesn't have to be. It only has to be bioequivalent, within a 20% variant of the "Brand". According to Noven,  this should have been fixed by the beginning of the year and now they're projecting year end for the strength he needs and mid year for lower. We are praying they can continue to keep the generic in stock until then. He's been so happy to be back in track a little. 

All things considered, he's thriving. That's all that matters. Literally... that's all that matters. 

Me... I'm ok-ish. I'm trying to maneuver through all of this but I truly want to know when there's time to grieve.  There simply isn't. He and I used to discuss that life is a big hamster wheel. That wheel feels much smaller now and it spins faster each day. I keep trying to listen to the advice and sort through the things people share... some conducive and some...not so much. I think what truly helps the days go by is talking about him.  He was here. He was a huge part of many lives. His presence was big. Hearing stories and sharing stories eases the pain. I don't know what our days will look like, where we'll be, who will be in them but I do know that I'll never stop letting him be part of them.  

I'm usually not a Ted Talk gal but this one... this one was good. Nora McInery's We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it is such a great listen. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=khkJkR-ipfw

I know I'm rambling. I hope everyone is well. - S

Ps- I'm too exhausted to go back and proof this. Sorry for typos! Love to you all. 

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