This and That

It's hard to believe that we've made it to the 6 month mark. Well, almost. I say it often, it feels like yesterday but like an eternity. It's definitely not the forever you imagine. I don't think I ever thought I'd wake within the first 5 decades of my life and know this type of loss. It's odd though, because I often feel like he's been forgotten. Then, out of nowhere, someone will share a memory or I'll receive a text to tell me he's missed. No matter how many times you wish the world stood still with you, it simply doesn't. There's not been one day that I've not shed a tear or wished it was me. It's been an eventful 3 months, I suppose. Navigating through all of the "firsts"... it's not fun... We went on our first family vacation with our "adopted" crew. For those that don't know, we have a couple of stray kiddos that we love dearly. We met them while attending Judah's old karate school. They started traveling with us for tournaments. We realized they fit in perfectly with our feral crew and the rest is history. Yes, I do mean Corey, Judah, and myself, when referring to the feral crew, not our cats! He'd promised Anna and Mezini and trip to his office before they graduate high school. He wanted to help them narrow down career paths. Thankfully, we were still able to make that happen. We went to Naples, enjoyed some time at The Great Wolf Lodge, and they were able to visit "the blue mothership." It was nice to simply escape but the reality is that it wasn't the same without him. We all felt it. I'm thankful Judah has these kids to look up to though. We couldn't give him more siblings, but God obviously had other plans for those holes. Judah had his first Dad event without his dad around. Uncle Andy (his brother) was able to come and keep Judah company for Dads and Donuts. It was the last one he'd be having, as these things end with his elementary school career. He told me that every time he'd see an announcement or hear about it, he'd feel a gut punch. I get it.... I do. He didn't have to sit it his classroom and miss the moment, while spinning his wheels and trying to navigate more pain. Instead, Uncle Andy saved the day. We know it doesn't erase those feelings, but it reminds you that you're not alone. Andy had a fantastic visit with us. It was nice to see and feel small reminders of Corey through him. While they are polar opposites, they still have some similarities. He gets many of the jokes or will spew ridiculous quotes. It was comforting. The dude turned 11 on 4/20. It was so bizarrely weird to not do this with him. There was no one to remind me how they suckered me into having a kid. There was no one to talk to about the 3 days I labored him. No one understood the moments I endured before I pushed. No one hummed the most ridiculous song ever, while reminding me about what caused everyone in the room to laugh. The moments you shared simply become yours and only yours. Sure, I can share them with Judah or others, but…. no one will ever quite understand or feel what we felt. Judah typically gets to choose a small birthday trip or a party. This year, he didn’t want anything and I don’t blame him. The week before, he decided he’d changed his mind. By the absolute grace of God, everyone he invited and the venue was available. He wanted to go to Mixter Nitrogen Creamery and have The Game Truck to hangout in with his friends. I panicked and thought … “There’s no way… absolutely no way.” I was wrong. It went so well. He was surrounded by his buddies and family friends. It made him feel very special and pushed the grey cloud away. We then celebrated with Uncle Ro, Auntie Val, and Uncle Andy at a Brazilian steakhouse. Had dessert waffles with our karate family. And, ended it with cake and an egg hunt with my family. 4 celebratory things… followed by not wanting anything… JCW would definitely say, “great success”. (Yes, in the awful Borat voice! He did this often!) Which brings us to Easter. Judah was born on Easter. Like his Dad (Halloween) and Uncle Andy (Valentines Day), he came into this world on a holiday… early but he obviously required a holiday. We made the best of the day, but it wasn’t the same. Holidays always meant the two of us in the kitchen. We’d help each other with prep, watch the stove while the other got ready, taste the food and give an honest review before anyone else could, and let’s not forget drive each other absolutely mad multiple times. While I’m a very independent person, I didn’t realize that so much of what we did was intwined…. We were just a part of each other’s processes. It wasn’t just one aspect of life... we were a team… in all things, we were a team. I still decorated my house, I still made the food, I still managed to carry the traditions but it was hard. My Aunt and Uncle had us and my parents over. It was nice to share the day with family. Mother’s Day… woof. I spent the weekend with a stomach bug. Which made the emotions worse. I still have the person here that made me a mom. It’s just that what we did was no more. When Judah was 3, they started a new tradition. He said he wanted to show Judah the significance of creating traditions but also how to love me because his dad didn’t show him. He packed us up in the car, drove us to the park, and told us to wait. He then guided me to the cutest, sweetest picnic you’d ever seen. He picked a lovely basket, made a charcutier board with my favorite things (brie, honeycomb, spicy pickles, olives, peppers)… it felt perfect. I didn’t think it could be more perfect. Only, every single year, it was more and more perfected. He’d always surprise me with new elements. I loved this and him so much. The effort alone was beautiful but he …. He just knew how to make me feel special. Creating traditions meant so much to us both. It’s why I decorate for each holiday and do other ridiculous things …. It was so important to us. It was never about the gifts. I’m probably the least materialistic person you’ll ever meet. It was always about the heart behind the thought and the actions that warmed my soul from the inside to out. Next year, I'll do my best to recreate this with Judah. Keep the tradition good and continue to instill the values his dad wanted for him. I know this was long and honestly negative. I don't intend it to be. We've managed to successfully walk through a lot of firsts. Are we stronger, sure. We just have a lot of sad times, too. I don't know if anyone even reads these. If you do, thank you and best wishes. S